Monday, September 23, 2013
Please Feed Ed to the Alligators: Part 3
(See Part 1, Part 2 for the beginning of the story)
Near the end of the following day, I have not heard from Ed yet so I call the phone number he gave me. It is his direct line. He's gone for the day. I do a little dance of rage as I navigate back to the general claims queue. That conversation goes sort of like this:
Me: Blah. Blah. Here's the reference number so you can read about my problem.
Gina: <READ.READ.READ> Uh-huh. Ok, what can I do for you?
Me: Ed didn't call me back.
Gina: Well sir, we've been very busy. Our customer callback time is around 2 weeks.
Gina: Also, Ed and I do not have any way to verify the fax was received. There is no actual fax. It goes to a different department and we won't be able to access it for 10-15 business days.
Gina: ...that makes no sense to me either.
Me: Ok, is there some person you can put me in touch with who CAN tell me the fax was at least recieved?
Gina: Of course! You just need to hit '2' from the main menu.
Me: There is no '2' from the main menu, you have to say a word like 'claims', 'find a doctor', or something.
Gina: Are you sure?
Me: I am. I have extensive experience with your phone menu system.
Gina: <laughs> Oh, well you just need to say 'claims'. That will get you to them.
Me: <sigh> When I just called now, I said 'claims' to get to you. You just told me that people in your department cannot help me.
Me: ....so how will saying 'claims' next time get me to the right person?
Gina: They're not here now. It's too late. If they were here now you could talk to them.
Me: That makes no sense, I said 'claims' at 10am and I got 'Ed'. You and I already agreed he made no sense and can't help me. Every time I've said 'claims' I get people who can't help me.
Gina: <long pause. clickity-clack>
Gina: You know, I think you really need some help with this. I'm going to check on this personally and call you back tomorrow.
Me: Really. Not in two weeks? That's just what Ed said.
Gina: I'm not Ed.
Me: Ok. sure. whatever.
Gina sounded way more confident and competent than Ed, but I decided to go a different route. I needed to figure out where the failure was happening. Was Old Insurance Co. not sending the fax? Or, was New Insurance Co. receiving it but dropping it in the bit bucket?
I needed to be a middle-man and I signed up for a month of HelloFax's 'receive a fax' service. The first month is free. I called Old Insurance Co. back about an hour after I got off the phone with Gina.
Me: Hi. Member number blarghty-boo-309.
Mary: <reads> Ok, what do you need?
Me: I need ANOTHER fax of my certificate-of-awesomeness.
Mary: Yes sir. Let me put in the request. It'll take 24-48 hours to process
Me: Last time I asked for this I was promised 2-3 minutes.
Mary: That is...not possible. <She sounded vaguely like Agent Smith from The Matrix>
Me: ...and yet it happened.
<5 seconds of silence.>
Mary: So....should I put in this request, sir?
Me: Yes. Here's my fax number....
Mary: Ok, you should get this in 24-48 hours. No need to call and check, it will arrive in 24-48 hours.
Mary: kthxbai. <click>
That was over 3 weeks ago. I have not received it.
There is a happy ending to this story. Gina called me back two days later.
Gina: Hello, I'm so sorry for not calling you back yesterday. I was sick.
Me: <stunned silence>
Gina: I can confirm that we have received the certificate-of-non-slacker-ness and are we now re-processing your previously denied claim.
Me: Woah. <still stunned, sounding vaguely like Keanu>
Gina: So if there's nothing else I can help you with, I'll be going...
Me: Uhh...Wait! May I speak to your supervisor?
Gina: Ummm...Is there a problem?
Me: With you? NO! I want to tell her how awesome you are and how she should feed your co-workers to the alligators.
Gina: <laughs> I'll forward you along right away.
As it turns out, I had to leave a message for Gina’s supervisor. I'm pretty sure I sounded like Gina has a babbling idiot stalker, but I think the my point "Please feed Ed to the Alligators" got across.